I apply and interview for a job at least five or six times a year. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I'm serious! Every time I audition for a new show, it's just like a job interview. It's also like judgment day. I put myself out there to be judged....every single time I audition. It's really hard! It's not like I'm guaranteed a part every time I audition. I have to continually prove myself, often to the same people, many times. I constantly set myself up for rejection.
Often, I don't know my schedule for several months in advance. I don't know when I'll be in a show, if I'll be in rehearsals, or anything like that. I often can't make specific plans for things if I am thinking of auditioning for a show that would be happening around that same time. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life, all the time.
I never realized just how much uncertainty I live with constantly until just recently. All of the sudden, there were all of these shows I want to do, with theatre companies that I dearly love, all at the same time. One show overlapped with two others. Another show meant I couldn't do a one night only show that I've done every year since 2006. It's starting to work itself out, because I was not cast in one of the shows. I will know about show #2 before I would need to audition for show #3, but neither show is a sure thing. So at this point, I have no idea what I will be doing from May to October. Do you have this much unpredictability in your life?
But
that brings up another issue...rejection. Why is it that I can handle
theatre rejection so much better than I can my fear of personal
rejection? Well, I think I just answered that right there. Theatre
rejection means that I'm not right for the part or I have too many
conflicts. Maybe someone else was better than me in the audition. (And
I am a horrible dancer, which I freely admit.) But with personal
rejection, that are actually rejecting ME. I have a huge fear of that.
It's PERSONAL....therefore, I take it PERSONALLY. That is just
something I'm going to have to work on...and get over.
Back to the point of this blog. It wasn't this hard when I did 1 show a year. But since 2008, I have done up to 5 or 6 shows a year. Why? Well, there are several reasons. First, I love doing theatre. It makes me happy. Hmmm...do you really need any more reasons than that? I guess the reason I've been doing more shows is that I don't have anything else to do in the evenings. I might as well be happy doing a show! I would love for a reason to be too busy to do other shows, but that hasn't exactly worked out for me. So until it happens, I will be doing lots of shows! As many as I can!
So what it really boils down to is this: Why do I put myself through such pain, agony, rejection, doubt, and uncertainty. It's because I love to perform. I love making people laugh. I love being another character. I love singing. As an audience member, I love being transcended to another time and place...and as an actor I love doing that for the audience. Is it worth the angst of not knowing what the next several months hold for me? Totally! Keeps me on my toes and from being bored! Now if I could just figure out how to make a ton more money to support this theatre habit, all would be well.
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